Now and Then

I served lunch to two sections of one of the religious communities that I serve, on two different days. As the sisters age, with hearing and mobility challenges, gathering in small groups (less than 6) enables better listening and facilitates more intimate conversations. It really was lovely to prepare lunch for those two groups, and the sisters really enjoyed being together and sharing food together.

My tension? I like being the server versus the one served. And in that admission is the tension of agency: creating space for authentic choice and free participation. The sisters were invited to share lunch together, and they could have chosen not to come, which is a healthy use of their agency. I asked them not to bring anything, that I would provide it all. Is that agency? I did not want to burden them, so I took away their path to participate through contributions.

And then there are generational and cultural differences. Some read “invite” and think compulsory attendance, or that they are letting the invitee down by not attending. I reviewed the invite to see if choice was there, and it was, but maybe I need to accentuate it more and find ways to communicate that it really is a choice, no strings attached.

How do we support our aging elders while still nurturing their agency? What choices can be woven into our interactions to create space for agency to be acted on? As a parent I know at times it was simply easier to tell my children what would be happening versus creating choices for them. Yes, it would take less energy to tell our elders what to do versus providing choices. It takes less time to decide for them, it is easier to organize things for them without their input, and so on. Yet, when we do that it is simply another way we are eroding the dignity that they so rightfully deserve through the use of their agency.

On my way home to my family for a few weeks, a husband of a friend gave me a ride to the airport. He said he and my friend had said about me “oh she will gladly do many things for others, but she would never ask for a ride, so we better offer her one instead.” True. Here I am doing for the other when I myself am stubborn about receiving. Agency is not just about creating space for others to make choices but it is also owning one’s own needs and asking for help.

As I dropped off one of the sisters at her residence after the lunch, I forgot to reach over and unclick her seat belt and immediately apologized. She replied, ” I have a voice, I can ask, it is not all on you.” Agency. Creating space for ourselves and others to give and receive. I think I will be a better community coordinator if I can look at those I serve and find pathways for mutual service, that is real and authentic and celebrates the gifts and wisdom of each person.

Maybe that is what 2025 will be about, deepening my understanding and practice of agency.