Tag: life

• Inherent Giftedness

  I see a lot of people with dementia ( now seen as on a spectrum like autism, as new to me is that Alzheimer’s is now used freely for dementia) in the residence where some of the sisters I care for reside.

  

  My current wondering is this: inherent giftedness. Dementia or not, is there inherent giftedness within each of us that will rise to the surface given a safe context? I am far from an expert on any of this, I just have this wondering.

  One sister I serve diagnosed with dementia has been planning Christmas phone calls for months – like probably since September she has been writing her phone list over and over again. Finally it is close enough to Christmas to start making the calls and she is feeling really good about doing these calls with her sister who supports her and guides her in the list making. I have known this sister for about 40 years on an acquaintance basis and I would say her inherent giftedness is building relationships and helping others feel welcome.

  A second person whom I do not support but see all the time is constantly asking to do things for others. She is thoroughly confused – the other day she said she just got home from work and said she had a great day there. A day later she was annoying another resident because she wanted to make sure they had what they needed to go outside ( they were not going anywhere) so I had to intervene and distract her with a task. She is always trying to take care of someone or help out. We gave her a teddy bear wrapped in a blanket this morning and she now has someone to focus her attention on. I don’t know how long it will last, but today it is a form of support for her.

  A third person I know is just miserable. She is grouchy, gives me annoyed looks when I talk to others she happens to be sitting beside ( who do like my company – I get called “she’s a good one” LOL as they just know me that way not via my name), and other residents think she is miserable 24/7 too. I wonder: is there an inherent gift residing within her that needs to be released or is being miserable all she cares to be???

  How blessed am I to see the beauty of all these residents. I also got smart the other day: I replaced “how are you doing?” with “what has been good in your day?”. Transformative! My gentleman friend in the residence, so kind and gentle, said in reply this morning, ” I don’t know yet, my day is just beginning!”, what an awesome attitude!!

  December 8, 2025

  dementia, family, life, love, writing

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• Time

  Yesterday began and ended on the same note: being present to those with dementia.

  As I have probably mentioned before, one of the sisters I hang out with likes to build things together. Yesterday we built one of those heart shaped Lego wreaths. It took us almost 90 minutes to complete, and I asked her about an hour in if she wanted a break but she was focused and wanted to complete it. She is great at comparing the pictures in the instructions to what we actually have put together, though every now and then she just wants to ad lib with the pieces and that is OK too. 90 minutes zipped by as we snapped pieces as instructed, celebrated the success along the way, and just spent time together. The human brain is amazing, short circuiting on some fronts but so sharp on another. For example, across the hall from her is someone else who has dementia and who thinks she is supposed to put her garbage in the corner beside this sister’s door. Quite funny actually to find the occasional banana peel resting in the corner! Why their brain tells them to do that, no one knows.

  I had to return to this residence last night in the early evening to reclaim my laptop that I had mistakenly left behind. The residence has a totally different feel at night, mellow is the word I would use to describe it. In the lobby there are 3 women who are often sitting together in the same corner, and I can hear them talking about farming. As I arrive by stairs on the second floor the chapel has been turned once again into a movie theater, though sadly the chairs have not been transformed into comfortable ones. It is an intense movie, and the focus is palpable. There was a time when these movie watchers would have been able to go to a real theater, but time has eroded that ability so they are confined to this low imitation of one.

  Down the hall of course I found some of my favorite people, two whom were trying to set their watches to the right time. Of course one of the watches was broken so it was impossible to achieve that mission. But there they sat, working side by side to achieve their mission neither with the mental competence to achieve it. So I sat with them and offered the time, and reported that one of the watches was actually broken. I offered to grab a new one for her, knowing that by tomorrow a.m. she probably would not remember that, but her joy in knowing that I would do this simple thing for her was gift in itself. Down the hall out popped a third friend, who was busy sweeping. He likes things neat. Dirty or not, time is well spent in sweeping the floor and he is proud of his work and grateful when I acknowledge it. The home probably has regulations and such but his life would be radically improved with a battery powered vacuum cleaner that he could use to vacuum the hall ways.

  Time. As I sat in silence this morning I was struck by my experiences of time with these amazing people. How the little time I spend with them is such a gift to me. Yes, there are many who have dementia that become angry and difficult, but these 4 in particular regularly warm my heart. They have their challenging moments, sometimes trapped in time in a memory they cannot escape, often connected to loved ones they have lost or loved ones who feel it is easier on them to stay apart.

  A mere 60 minutes a week can have impact. It makes me wonder why the residence does not recruit volunteers to hang out, not for the residents but to transform the volunteers. How blessed I have been to be gifted with time with these people. I hope I can mature into the good humans that they are. Time – who will it form us to be?

  

  March 7, 2025

  alzheimers, dementia, family, life, love, presence

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• Joy & Relational Investment

  There are a few things rolling around in my head and heart this week, two of which I think are highly interconnected.

  When I first started in one residence there was a retired clergy who I had known for years but who has dementia. Every time I saw him I would stop and say hi. He usually said hi, but did not really engage. I never stopped saying hi. Now when I see him I get a warm hello and a lovely smile. Some days I sit beside him for a few minutes and he asks how I am doing, sometimes I harass and tease him, then I get up and carry on with my mission of the moment. It has taken about 6 months to arrive at this point, but it has been well worth the investment. His warm smile transforms my day into something spectacular.

  I support another person with dementia, and we like to build things together. Yesterday we built a small wooden spin art kit, one in which you place a piece of paper with some paint on it and it spins it into art. Every time we build something we usually make mistakes, but we laugh and tease our way to success. Sometimes she is best at looking at the pictures and following the steps while I snap the pieces together, other times I guide and she constructs. There is always laughter and joy throughout as we celebrate our success and laugh at our errors. I encountered her in the hallway later in the day and she excitedly said I had to come back to her room to see what she had created. She had cut more cardboard circles out of old cards and had spun a few new pieces that were beautiful. She was so proud, and so happy.

  Joy and relational investment. Key ingredients to quality of life. I have also realized how critical they are when a community is undergoing significant change. It is evident that when leadership does not consistently invest in the relationships that the change becomes harder on everyone. It seems pretty simple to me, yet it is often absent. The investment needs to be consistent, honest, open, and deeply respectful of the identity of the other.

  Bless someone with your presence today, as you will be the one blessed. Never under estimate the energizing power of joy and presence.

  

  February 22, 2025

  dementia, family, life, love

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• Really

  

  Will the real you please step forward?

  My word for this week is “really”. Sometimes said as a statement, sometimes said as a question mark.

  The space of her room as she lives out her final years is really small.

  The scope of people that interact with her now is really limited.

  How do we “really” present ourselves as we age. Does how we live our earlier life really surface again as we live out our final years? Does the kindness and compassion we strived to live remain with us really late in life? Or do the mean choices and negative ways we interacted with people remain with us in later life? Does who we are and the choices we made in early life present to others “really” even through dementia?

  Such an innocent phrase, “really” or “real”. Consider how often we say it – is that for real? Are you for real? Keep it real!

  I decided to go a typical way, a common route with the word real and looked it up in a dictionary: “actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed.”

  The word “supposed” caught my attention. I think there is a definite lived connection between real and supposed. I think of the ways we are supposed to act in certain situations as people or societal values tell us that is the way to be real in that context. I think of the long term care home I most interact with right now. There are supposed ways to be real in that context. One is supposed to be grateful that the care staff is changing you, is dressing you even when you do not have control over the when and the what. One is supposed to eat the food placed before you, no matter how it looks or tastes. The real world of long term care is one of dependence, limited if any choice, and expectations of compliance even when nothing no longer makes sense, when one’s realness is defined more by the expectations of others and one’s identity may be scrambled in a confused mind. I really don’t know how to navigate the support of someone in this situation with grace and dignity, beyond being compassionate. I would struggle with the food, I would struggle with being trapped in a bed or chair with no ability to get anywhere on my own, I would struggle with every bit of my privacy being invaded.

  Being “real” in this situation may not be so pretty. Being “real” in this situation may not reflect to others who I tried to be in the other chapters of my life. I guess the “real” question is how will we show up for one another in “real” ways if life places us in this situation? I hope I can be real for those I minister and journey with, and I hope that others will show up in real ways if I arrive in a long term care home too.

  October 25, 2024

  being real, identity, life

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