Tag: family

• Inherent Giftedness

  I see a lot of people with dementia ( now seen as on a spectrum like autism, as new to me is that Alzheimer’s is now used freely for dementia) in the residence where some of the sisters I care for reside.

  

  My current wondering is this: inherent giftedness. Dementia or not, is there inherent giftedness within each of us that will rise to the surface given a safe context? I am far from an expert on any of this, I just have this wondering.

  One sister I serve diagnosed with dementia has been planning Christmas phone calls for months – like probably since September she has been writing her phone list over and over again. Finally it is close enough to Christmas to start making the calls and she is feeling really good about doing these calls with her sister who supports her and guides her in the list making. I have known this sister for about 40 years on an acquaintance basis and I would say her inherent giftedness is building relationships and helping others feel welcome.

  A second person whom I do not support but see all the time is constantly asking to do things for others. She is thoroughly confused – the other day she said she just got home from work and said she had a great day there. A day later she was annoying another resident because she wanted to make sure they had what they needed to go outside ( they were not going anywhere) so I had to intervene and distract her with a task. She is always trying to take care of someone or help out. We gave her a teddy bear wrapped in a blanket this morning and she now has someone to focus her attention on. I don’t know how long it will last, but today it is a form of support for her.

  A third person I know is just miserable. She is grouchy, gives me annoyed looks when I talk to others she happens to be sitting beside ( who do like my company – I get called “she’s a good one” LOL as they just know me that way not via my name), and other residents think she is miserable 24/7 too. I wonder: is there an inherent gift residing within her that needs to be released or is being miserable all she cares to be???

  How blessed am I to see the beauty of all these residents. I also got smart the other day: I replaced “how are you doing?” with “what has been good in your day?”. Transformative! My gentleman friend in the residence, so kind and gentle, said in reply this morning, ” I don’t know yet, my day is just beginning!”, what an awesome attitude!!

  December 8, 2025

  dementia, family, life, love, writing

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• Flickering Ember

  

  There has been a time gap since I last wrote. Sometimes I get busy with the diversity of projects I am connected to that extend beyond my work with Canadian Religious Stewardship. And sometimes I am simply not inspired.

  Here I am today, a spring fresh morning in Saskatoon. I walked with music this morning, and came upon a long term favourite song of mine: The Mystery of Your Gift sung by Josh Groban. I listened to it over and over and came to the conclusion: this song speaks deeply to me of dementia.

  Consider these lyrics:

  “A single note passes out of the ashes
  A flickering ember begins
  It’s the courage to turn when the pages have burned
  And your story now seems at an end
  Seasons stay and seasons go
  Sending your memories adrift
  It’s the beautiful longing, embrace the unknown
  That’s the mystery of your gift.”

  On Friday when I had some free time before heading home, I went to find two of my dementia friends to see if they wanted to get outside as it was a stunning spring day. (Want to gift a senior’s home? Volunteer to sit with people outside or take them on a walk around the block). My friends said yes and off we went. What is great about dementia is there is no pondering of what is next or seeking to find past tasks, overall depending on the type there is often an easy focus on the present.

  So off we went. Me stopping to look at the budding trees and them following, me teasing ( with these two they have the cognitive power for that) about a variety of things I notice along the way. Like should we borrow that kid’s skateboard for a whirl? I love hearing them laugh or chastise me teasingly when my imagination gets carried away. They are having the courage to turn when the pages are burned, they are embracing the unknown as their memories are adrift. Some days they hurt as they cannot find their people, but more consistently there is joy. One wobbles in her heels with her heavy socks…the other walks simply taking in the spring air with a big smile on his face.

  We lost a third friend a few weeks back. A gentleman who often walked about with his arms crossed and a grouchy look on his face. A grouchy look that disguised a kind and joyful heart despite his frustration about not doing the “work” he thought he was still supposed to be doing. How I will miss the “moments” of joy from him as he tried to teach me German.

  The mystery of the gift – we will never fully comprehend what is going on in a mind with dementia. But let’s trust the mystery of it all and enable them to push us to be present in the moment. That is really all we have, is it not?

  May 5, 2025

  aging, alzheimers, dementia, family, health, mental-health, moment, time

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• Time

  Yesterday began and ended on the same note: being present to those with dementia.

  As I have probably mentioned before, one of the sisters I hang out with likes to build things together. Yesterday we built one of those heart shaped Lego wreaths. It took us almost 90 minutes to complete, and I asked her about an hour in if she wanted a break but she was focused and wanted to complete it. She is great at comparing the pictures in the instructions to what we actually have put together, though every now and then she just wants to ad lib with the pieces and that is OK too. 90 minutes zipped by as we snapped pieces as instructed, celebrated the success along the way, and just spent time together. The human brain is amazing, short circuiting on some fronts but so sharp on another. For example, across the hall from her is someone else who has dementia and who thinks she is supposed to put her garbage in the corner beside this sister’s door. Quite funny actually to find the occasional banana peel resting in the corner! Why their brain tells them to do that, no one knows.

  I had to return to this residence last night in the early evening to reclaim my laptop that I had mistakenly left behind. The residence has a totally different feel at night, mellow is the word I would use to describe it. In the lobby there are 3 women who are often sitting together in the same corner, and I can hear them talking about farming. As I arrive by stairs on the second floor the chapel has been turned once again into a movie theater, though sadly the chairs have not been transformed into comfortable ones. It is an intense movie, and the focus is palpable. There was a time when these movie watchers would have been able to go to a real theater, but time has eroded that ability so they are confined to this low imitation of one.

  Down the hall of course I found some of my favorite people, two whom were trying to set their watches to the right time. Of course one of the watches was broken so it was impossible to achieve that mission. But there they sat, working side by side to achieve their mission neither with the mental competence to achieve it. So I sat with them and offered the time, and reported that one of the watches was actually broken. I offered to grab a new one for her, knowing that by tomorrow a.m. she probably would not remember that, but her joy in knowing that I would do this simple thing for her was gift in itself. Down the hall out popped a third friend, who was busy sweeping. He likes things neat. Dirty or not, time is well spent in sweeping the floor and he is proud of his work and grateful when I acknowledge it. The home probably has regulations and such but his life would be radically improved with a battery powered vacuum cleaner that he could use to vacuum the hall ways.

  Time. As I sat in silence this morning I was struck by my experiences of time with these amazing people. How the little time I spend with them is such a gift to me. Yes, there are many who have dementia that become angry and difficult, but these 4 in particular regularly warm my heart. They have their challenging moments, sometimes trapped in time in a memory they cannot escape, often connected to loved ones they have lost or loved ones who feel it is easier on them to stay apart.

  A mere 60 minutes a week can have impact. It makes me wonder why the residence does not recruit volunteers to hang out, not for the residents but to transform the volunteers. How blessed I have been to be gifted with time with these people. I hope I can mature into the good humans that they are. Time – who will it form us to be?

  

  March 7, 2025

  alzheimers, dementia, family, life, love, presence

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• Joy & Relational Investment

  There are a few things rolling around in my head and heart this week, two of which I think are highly interconnected.

  When I first started in one residence there was a retired clergy who I had known for years but who has dementia. Every time I saw him I would stop and say hi. He usually said hi, but did not really engage. I never stopped saying hi. Now when I see him I get a warm hello and a lovely smile. Some days I sit beside him for a few minutes and he asks how I am doing, sometimes I harass and tease him, then I get up and carry on with my mission of the moment. It has taken about 6 months to arrive at this point, but it has been well worth the investment. His warm smile transforms my day into something spectacular.

  I support another person with dementia, and we like to build things together. Yesterday we built a small wooden spin art kit, one in which you place a piece of paper with some paint on it and it spins it into art. Every time we build something we usually make mistakes, but we laugh and tease our way to success. Sometimes she is best at looking at the pictures and following the steps while I snap the pieces together, other times I guide and she constructs. There is always laughter and joy throughout as we celebrate our success and laugh at our errors. I encountered her in the hallway later in the day and she excitedly said I had to come back to her room to see what she had created. She had cut more cardboard circles out of old cards and had spun a few new pieces that were beautiful. She was so proud, and so happy.

  Joy and relational investment. Key ingredients to quality of life. I have also realized how critical they are when a community is undergoing significant change. It is evident that when leadership does not consistently invest in the relationships that the change becomes harder on everyone. It seems pretty simple to me, yet it is often absent. The investment needs to be consistent, honest, open, and deeply respectful of the identity of the other.

  Bless someone with your presence today, as you will be the one blessed. Never under estimate the energizing power of joy and presence.

  

  February 22, 2025

  dementia, family, life, love

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• Silence and Aloneness of Death

  I was jarred awake last Thursday by an early morning phone call from the nursing home one of the sisters was in. Over the past few weeks these calls had come in twice as they suspected she might be having strokes, yet her vitals always remained strong. This time her vitals remained strong but her body said bye, I am done, and she died. The nurses found her passed away, lying calmly in her bed.

  I did not know this sister well, as I only met her 6 months ago and she had dementia so did not really say that much about herself. I do remember the day she was moved into long term care, transferred late in the day from the hospital. I got there as soon as I could and she just kept looking at me with what I would describe as sad eyes and repeatedly said, ” I am so confused”. She eventually settled in, though her mobility was lost and she was confined to a wheel chair.

  The staff were kind, and worried about her. The nurse called and asked if there were any meal “prayers” (this was a secular home) that she might be used to experiencing before meals as she was not eating. Over the 3 months she was there she survived on Boost and the occasional pieces of white chocolate. Another caregiver found an ipad in the home and helped her to connect to mass online. Volunteers from Holy Spirit brought her to the weekly mass in the common room. She could be found in the common area a lot, which was a good choice for her as she was one who enjoyed watching others do things be it a music presentation, sitting at the quilting table, or observing the floor curling game going on around her. This nursing lodge was home to many people suffering from dementia, and I would describe it as a very loud place. There was always the chorus of one or two yelling, yet this sister, though sometimes she made a surprised expression, seldom reacted to the noise going on around her and she had good hearing.

  After the nurse called to say she had died, I was at the nursing home within 30 minutes and I sat quietly with her until the funeral home came to pick her up. It was the only time I had been in the building when it was actually quiet. I opened the window as the cold would no longer bother her, and I talked to her quietly about how happy I was she was now home and I hoped there were many little dogs there to greet her for her puppy stuffy was something that she hung onto in her early confusion at the home.

  One soon realizes that whether you have people in the room with you or not, dying is done alone. No one goes with you, and no one checks to make sure you got there OK. You just go.

  Rest in peace Sister, thank you for the smiles and warm welcomes you often blessed me with and for allowing me to just be there with you in the times you felt lost and confused. I have no doubt that the flights of angels have welcomed you home.

  

  February 2, 2025

  family, health, news, nurse, nursing

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