Category: Uncategorized

Inherent Giftedness

I see a lot of people with dementia ( now seen as on a spectrum like autism, as new to me is that Alzheimer’s is now used freely for dementia) in the residence where some of the sisters I care for reside.

My current wondering is this: inherent giftedness. Dementia or not, is there inherent giftedness within each of us that will rise to the surface given a safe context? I am far from an expert on any of this, I just have this wondering.

One sister I serve diagnosed with dementia has been planning Christmas phone calls for months – like probably since September she has been writing her phone list over and over again. Finally it is close enough to Christmas to start making the calls and she is feeling really good about doing these calls with her sister who supports her and guides her in the list making. I have known this sister for about 40 years on an acquaintance basis and I would say her inherent giftedness is building relationships and helping others feel welcome.

A second person whom I do not support but see all the time is constantly asking to do things for others. She is thoroughly confused – the other day she said she just got home from work and said she had a great day there. A day later she was annoying another resident because she wanted to make sure they had what they needed to go outside ( they were not going anywhere) so I had to intervene and distract her with a task. She is always trying to take care of someone or help out. We gave her a teddy bear wrapped in a blanket this morning and she now has someone to focus her attention on. I don’t know how long it will last, but today it is a form of support for her.

A third person I know is just miserable. She is grouchy, gives me annoyed looks when I talk to others she happens to be sitting beside ( who do like my company – I get called “she’s a good one” LOL as they just know me that way not via my name), and other residents think she is miserable 24/7 too. I wonder: is there an inherent gift residing within her that needs to be released or is being miserable all she cares to be???

How blessed am I to see the beauty of all these residents. I also got smart the other day: I replaced “how are you doing?” with “what has been good in your day?”. Transformative! My gentleman friend in the residence, so kind and gentle, said in reply this morning, ” I don’t know yet, my day is just beginning!”, what an awesome attitude!!

December 8, 2025

dementia, family, life, love, writing
Loss and Humiliation

I am changing my direction from the last blog slightly…

I recently prepared a reflection for a November memorial service for all who had died this past year at Trinity Manor. One of the readings chosen talked about how loss can feel like humiliation and I found that very relatable.

Loss as we age can feel like disgrace and humiliation. For example, the loss one encounters when one retires, especially if you are not doing it freely. We can feel a sense of humiliation: have we done something wrong? Are we no longer valued? Are we being discarded? We experience humiliation sometimes when our bodies now need walkers to move, or we cannot remember things like we used to. We sometimes need others to help us with basic tasks, we can’t do it all on our own anymore. Loss of ability can feel humiliating. Has God abandoned us because we seem to be losing so much? Isaiah tells the people: God will remove that disgrace, that humiliation. God will help you see the beauty of who you are just because you are. We are never a disgrace to God, we are God’s beloved in whatever shape or condition we find ourselves in. We can let that sense of disgrace or humiliation guide our lives, or we can let our lives be guided by God’s love and our human God-given dignity.

I found myself thinking about my Dad and the losses he moved through. I realized that I never heard him complain, nor do I ever feel that he was feeling humiliated for what was happening to him. Like all of us he had pride, yet in his final years he did not let self-loathing connected to humiliation guide his life. After my Mom died he found on his own volition an assisted living home to move into. He moved into a small but sunny studio suite. His living space shrunk from a three bedroom house with a garage, garden, and wood shop. As he aged he relied on his walker more and more, and eventually parked his van for most of the year. Never did I hear him complain about those losses, never did I feel his heart being choked by a reduced sense of self worth because of what he could no longer do. He lived his life as fully as he could in the situations he now found himself.

The moment we reduce our self worth, our God given dignity to what we can do versus who we are, I believe joy and life will be sucked from us. We mourn our losses but we do not stop living with dignity.

When my Dad died, it was beautiful to read a few cards from his care givers. They honestly enjoyed being around him, and he would often speak highly of them as well. The last time I spoke with my Dad on the phone was about 10 days before he died. He once again had lost more – three people at his table had died, his eyes were becoming more challenging, and there was some cancer taking root that needed attention. Yet, there was not a complaint, just a simple how good it is to talk with you…

May we begin each day with a grateful heart that says this is who I am and what I can do right now, and that is enough.

November 6, 2025

bible, christianity, faith, god, jesus
Ripening? Letting Go?

I have been delinquent on my blog writing, sometimes topics do not surface naturally. I hope to develop a plan for topics (what do you wonder about?) to begin consistently writing every two weeks.

Lately I have been thinking about Joyce Rupp’s wisdom on aging in her newest (I believe) book: “The Years of Ripening focuses on personal transformation, the wonder and goodness of our hidden self, how the qualities of our personhood have been expressed, and in what ways we can claim ever more of the truest reality of our inner being.”

Spiritual writer Fr. Ron Rolheiser also has a new book on aging:
Insane for the Light: A Spirituality for Our Wisdom Years. “During life’s first years, we embark on a search for meaning and discover in ourselves a profound, unquenchable thirst for the Divine. And when we reach adulthood, we realize that we are called to give our lives away―to our spouses, children, careers, friends, and neighbors in need. But in the end, we must learn to let it all go.”

There is intensity, and intentionality, about both concepts. This week I want to focus on ripening, and next post I will focus on “insane for the light.”

I like the concept of ripening, though sometimes it makes me think of a pear that goes woody when it is overripe, or an over ripe avocado that turns black and mushy. Both ripenings have the potential to be generative for the core of both remain intact and can still produce new life. Exteriorly they do not look so good or so tasty, yet they still contain power and life.

“Ripening” makes me think about the overall concept of living well. Trees produce ripe fruit with steady and consistent care through their whole life. For me, living authentically and with integrity is only possible with reflection. When I look back at my own life, I was a better “reflector” at various points than others. My pace for one affected that ability – when I was moving too fast and was overextended my mouth got engaged before my brain. The thinking I generated was not as kind or inclusive and I did not engage in consistent reflection to retain integrity. I have always been a quick processor, so have had to learn (an ongoing challenge) to pause and think before jumping in especially with significant decisions that impact others. I am a better reflector when I am balanced too – daily walks, healthy eating, honest relationships.

Ripening is a concept for every stage within our life. The ripening will be richer and deeper I think with experience that has been prayed through and reflected on. The practices we build into our lives at a young age do help us to age grace-fully – not without some over-ripening at times but with a deep respect of the providence of God’s grace in each year we age. For we do – we age each year LOL! It doesn’t happen in one year, but each year!

Connected to this ripening is that concept of “letting go” – a phrase that we probably overuse to describe aging. Maybe because the letting go seems to dominate so many areas of our lives – work, health, relationships. As I work with so many who are 80 + I see a diversity of responses to this “ripening”. Some resist, some continue to live as fully as able, some just give up. And most have a combination of all three depending on the challenge of the moment.

It is simply not simple, this ripening stuff! We want to be united with God but we do not really want to die, we want to do the things we thought we would be doing when we retire but then get hit with health issues, we want to be wise and mature but it does not just happen, it takes energy to not become a mushy black avocado!!

One thing that I have noticed with almost certainty: those who keep a good sense of humour, those who can laugh at their ripening pain, those who can offer a smile on the days that truly do not deserve one, those are the people that seem to ripen with beauty and integrity. May joy lead us to ripening beauty!

October 27, 2025
Risk and Hope

There is a farm south of Saskatoon and the name posted on the barn is risk and hope. It has been there for 110 years. I am struck by how appropriate the name is for a farm. You cannot farm, you cannot dare to plant and hope to harvest, without taking a risk. The risk of planting at the right time to get rain, or the right time to avoid a plague of insects or trusting that the frost has really past. And then watching all spring to the fall to see if the crop will make it, to see what will be present to harvest, and what weather is going to even enable you to get the harvest done.

There is a vulnerability to farming. There is a certain strength found in being vulnerable. It feels like vulnerability and strength are opposites, but I believe vulnerability is itself a strength. We have encountered others who seem to have navigated more challenges than ourselves, and who just keep putting one foot after the other and keep going. Not without pain, and not without grief. While being brave enough to witness through tears and other expressions of vulnerability as they keep moving. Even at those times when they have to stop and rest for awhile and they are honest about that too. I do not know when society decided tears are a sign of weakness instead of strength, but let us get over that.

I had to go look up the word vulnerable: susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. In Mariette terms it is the same as living life to the full. You cannot enter into relationships with other or use your gifts in service, without opening yourself up to pain and loss. You cannot age with integrity and embrace the challenges of life without being vulnerable.

As I serve an older population, vulnerability is a challenging concept. Are we willing to accept help, to be vulnerable, when we cannot do things ourselves like we used to? Are we willing to be vulnerable with our ego and use the things that we need like depends? Are we willing to admit how much it hurts when we lose a loved one? Are we willing to say these simple words, “I need help”? Or “can you come with me”?

Can you see another way to living life to the full without vulnerability? I am not good at it, but I see no other way.

Relationships change, at times in our lives we are the care giver, at other times we receive care. All demanding a vulnerable heart, for in that exchange is life, and whether you are the foot washer or the recipient of that washing, in that vulnerable space is real love.

July 27, 2025

authenticity, mental-health, personal-growth, relationships, vulnerability, vulnerabliity
Flickering Ember

There has been a time gap since I last wrote. Sometimes I get busy with the diversity of projects I am connected to that extend beyond my work with Canadian Religious Stewardship. And sometimes I am simply not inspired.

Here I am today, a spring fresh morning in Saskatoon. I walked with music this morning, and came upon a long term favourite song of mine: The Mystery of Your Gift sung by Josh Groban. I listened to it over and over and came to the conclusion: this song speaks deeply to me of dementia.

Consider these lyrics:

“A single note passes out of the ashes
A flickering ember begins
It’s the courage to turn when the pages have burned
And your story now seems at an end
Seasons stay and seasons go
Sending your memories adrift
It’s the beautiful longing, embrace the unknown
That’s the mystery of your gift.”

On Friday when I had some free time before heading home, I went to find two of my dementia friends to see if they wanted to get outside as it was a stunning spring day. (Want to gift a senior’s home? Volunteer to sit with people outside or take them on a walk around the block). My friends said yes and off we went. What is great about dementia is there is no pondering of what is next or seeking to find past tasks, overall depending on the type there is often an easy focus on the present.

So off we went. Me stopping to look at the budding trees and them following, me teasing ( with these two they have the cognitive power for that) about a variety of things I notice along the way. Like should we borrow that kid’s skateboard for a whirl? I love hearing them laugh or chastise me teasingly when my imagination gets carried away. They are having the courage to turn when the pages are burned, they are embracing the unknown as their memories are adrift. Some days they hurt as they cannot find their people, but more consistently there is joy. One wobbles in her heels with her heavy socks…the other walks simply taking in the spring air with a big smile on his face.

We lost a third friend a few weeks back. A gentleman who often walked about with his arms crossed and a grouchy look on his face. A grouchy look that disguised a kind and joyful heart despite his frustration about not doing the “work” he thought he was still supposed to be doing. How I will miss the “moments” of joy from him as he tried to teach me German.

The mystery of the gift – we will never fully comprehend what is going on in a mind with dementia. But let’s trust the mystery of it all and enable them to push us to be present in the moment. That is really all we have, is it not?

May 5, 2025

aging, alzheimers, dementia, family, health, mental-health, moment, time
Time

Yesterday began and ended on the same note: being present to those with dementia.

As I have probably mentioned before, one of the sisters I hang out with likes to build things together. Yesterday we built one of those heart shaped Lego wreaths. It took us almost 90 minutes to complete, and I asked her about an hour in if she wanted a break but she was focused and wanted to complete it. She is great at comparing the pictures in the instructions to what we actually have put together, though every now and then she just wants to ad lib with the pieces and that is OK too. 90 minutes zipped by as we snapped pieces as instructed, celebrated the success along the way, and just spent time together. The human brain is amazing, short circuiting on some fronts but so sharp on another. For example, across the hall from her is someone else who has dementia and who thinks she is supposed to put her garbage in the corner beside this sister’s door. Quite funny actually to find the occasional banana peel resting in the corner! Why their brain tells them to do that, no one knows.

I had to return to this residence last night in the early evening to reclaim my laptop that I had mistakenly left behind. The residence has a totally different feel at night, mellow is the word I would use to describe it. In the lobby there are 3 women who are often sitting together in the same corner, and I can hear them talking about farming. As I arrive by stairs on the second floor the chapel has been turned once again into a movie theater, though sadly the chairs have not been transformed into comfortable ones. It is an intense movie, and the focus is palpable. There was a time when these movie watchers would have been able to go to a real theater, but time has eroded that ability so they are confined to this low imitation of one.

Down the hall of course I found some of my favorite people, two whom were trying to set their watches to the right time. Of course one of the watches was broken so it was impossible to achieve that mission. But there they sat, working side by side to achieve their mission neither with the mental competence to achieve it. So I sat with them and offered the time, and reported that one of the watches was actually broken. I offered to grab a new one for her, knowing that by tomorrow a.m. she probably would not remember that, but her joy in knowing that I would do this simple thing for her was gift in itself. Down the hall out popped a third friend, who was busy sweeping. He likes things neat. Dirty or not, time is well spent in sweeping the floor and he is proud of his work and grateful when I acknowledge it. The home probably has regulations and such but his life would be radically improved with a battery powered vacuum cleaner that he could use to vacuum the hall ways.

Time. As I sat in silence this morning I was struck by my experiences of time with these amazing people. How the little time I spend with them is such a gift to me. Yes, there are many who have dementia that become angry and difficult, but these 4 in particular regularly warm my heart. They have their challenging moments, sometimes trapped in time in a memory they cannot escape, often connected to loved ones they have lost or loved ones who feel it is easier on them to stay apart.

A mere 60 minutes a week can have impact. It makes me wonder why the residence does not recruit volunteers to hang out, not for the residents but to transform the volunteers. How blessed I have been to be gifted with time with these people. I hope I can mature into the good humans that they are. Time – who will it form us to be?

March 7, 2025

alzheimers, dementia, family, life, love, presence
Joy & Relational Investment

There are a few things rolling around in my head and heart this week, two of which I think are highly interconnected.

When I first started in one residence there was a retired clergy who I had known for years but who has dementia. Every time I saw him I would stop and say hi. He usually said hi, but did not really engage. I never stopped saying hi. Now when I see him I get a warm hello and a lovely smile. Some days I sit beside him for a few minutes and he asks how I am doing, sometimes I harass and tease him, then I get up and carry on with my mission of the moment. It has taken about 6 months to arrive at this point, but it has been well worth the investment. His warm smile transforms my day into something spectacular.

I support another person with dementia, and we like to build things together. Yesterday we built a small wooden spin art kit, one in which you place a piece of paper with some paint on it and it spins it into art. Every time we build something we usually make mistakes, but we laugh and tease our way to success. Sometimes she is best at looking at the pictures and following the steps while I snap the pieces together, other times I guide and she constructs. There is always laughter and joy throughout as we celebrate our success and laugh at our errors. I encountered her in the hallway later in the day and she excitedly said I had to come back to her room to see what she had created. She had cut more cardboard circles out of old cards and had spun a few new pieces that were beautiful. She was so proud, and so happy.

Joy and relational investment. Key ingredients to quality of life. I have also realized how critical they are when a community is undergoing significant change. It is evident that when leadership does not consistently invest in the relationships that the change becomes harder on everyone. It seems pretty simple to me, yet it is often absent. The investment needs to be consistent, honest, open, and deeply respectful of the identity of the other.

Bless someone with your presence today, as you will be the one blessed. Never under estimate the energizing power of joy and presence.

February 22, 2025

dementia, family, life, love
Silence and Aloneness of Death

I was jarred awake last Thursday by an early morning phone call from the nursing home one of the sisters was in. Over the past few weeks these calls had come in twice as they suspected she might be having strokes, yet her vitals always remained strong. This time her vitals remained strong but her body said bye, I am done, and she died. The nurses found her passed away, lying calmly in her bed.

I did not know this sister well, as I only met her 6 months ago and she had dementia so did not really say that much about herself. I do remember the day she was moved into long term care, transferred late in the day from the hospital. I got there as soon as I could and she just kept looking at me with what I would describe as sad eyes and repeatedly said, ” I am so confused”. She eventually settled in, though her mobility was lost and she was confined to a wheel chair.

The staff were kind, and worried about her. The nurse called and asked if there were any meal “prayers” (this was a secular home) that she might be used to experiencing before meals as she was not eating. Over the 3 months she was there she survived on Boost and the occasional pieces of white chocolate. Another caregiver found an ipad in the home and helped her to connect to mass online. Volunteers from Holy Spirit brought her to the weekly mass in the common room. She could be found in the common area a lot, which was a good choice for her as she was one who enjoyed watching others do things be it a music presentation, sitting at the quilting table, or observing the floor curling game going on around her. This nursing lodge was home to many people suffering from dementia, and I would describe it as a very loud place. There was always the chorus of one or two yelling, yet this sister, though sometimes she made a surprised expression, seldom reacted to the noise going on around her and she had good hearing.

After the nurse called to say she had died, I was at the nursing home within 30 minutes and I sat quietly with her until the funeral home came to pick her up. It was the only time I had been in the building when it was actually quiet. I opened the window as the cold would no longer bother her, and I talked to her quietly about how happy I was she was now home and I hoped there were many little dogs there to greet her for her puppy stuffy was something that she hung onto in her early confusion at the home.

One soon realizes that whether you have people in the room with you or not, dying is done alone. No one goes with you, and no one checks to make sure you got there OK. You just go.

Rest in peace Sister, thank you for the smiles and warm welcomes you often blessed me with and for allowing me to just be there with you in the times you felt lost and confused. I have no doubt that the flights of angels have welcomed you home.

February 2, 2025

family, health, news, nurse, nursing
Agent Martineau

I served lunch to two sections of one of the religious communities that I serve, on two different days. As the sisters age, with hearing and mobility challenges, gathering in small groups (less than 6) enables better listening and facilitates more intimate conversations. It really was lovely to prepare lunch for those two groups, and the sisters really enjoyed being together and sharing food together.

My tension? I like being the server versus the one served. And in that admission is the tension of agency: creating space for authentic choice and free participation. The sisters were invited to share lunch together, and they could have chosen not to come, which is a healthy use of their agency. I asked them not to bring anything, that I would provide it all. Is that agency? I did not want to burden them, so I took away their path to participate through contributions.

And then there are generational and cultural differences. Some read “invite” and think compulsory attendance, or that they are letting the invitee down by not attending. I reviewed the invite to see if choice was there, and it was, but maybe I need to accentuate it more and find ways to communicate that it really is a choice, no strings attached.

How do we support our aging elders while still nurturing their agency? What choices can be woven into our interactions to create space for agency to be acted on? As a parent I know at times it was simply easier to tell my children what would be happening versus creating choices for them. Yes, it would take less energy to tell our elders what to do versus providing choices. It takes less time to decide for them, it is easier to organize things for them without their input, and so on. Yet, when we do that it is simply another way we are eroding the dignity that they so rightfully deserve through the use of their agency.

On my way home to my family for a few weeks, a husband of a friend gave me a ride to the airport. He said he and my friend had said about me “oh she will gladly do many things for others, but she would never ask for a ride, so we better offer her one instead.” True. Here I am doing for the other when I myself am stubborn about receiving. Agency is not just about creating space for others to make choices but it is also owning one’s own needs and asking for help.

As I dropped off one of the sisters at her residence after the lunch, I forgot to reach over and unclick her seat belt and immediately apologized. She replied, ” I have a voice, I can ask, it is not all on you.” Agency. Creating space for ourselves and others to give and receive. I think I will be a better community coordinator if I can look at those I serve and find pathways for mutual service, that is real and authentic and celebrates the gifts and wisdom of each person.

Maybe that is what 2025 will be about, deepening my understanding and practice of agency.

December 17, 2024

agency, mutual-giving, relationships
Generativity and Integrity
The word generativity is surfacing for me this week. It is the 7th stage (of 8 stages) of Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development. I am not an expert on this, and a new psychologist friend does not put much credence in such theories. Nonetheless I am starting with it this morning. I am uncertain about Erikson’s expectations regarding lifespan. He placed the end of this generative stage at about 65. Many of the people I support would then be living their final stage (integrity) for over 30 years!!

I think there is value in exploring generativity and integrity. In my simplistic interpretation of things, the two questions asked by these 2 stages are:
- What am I leaving behind, as in what have I generated?
- How am I coming to terms with my life as a whole? Have I lived a life of meaning and purpose?
According to Erikson’s age scale, if you do the math, one might spend 20 to 30 years in this last chapter of life. I firmly believe in the cyclical nature of life. I think our lives are more of a spiral that we “zip” up and down on. It’s not a linear reality where we check off each stage and keep moving forward on the life line. In saying that, I dare to say that each of the 8 stages are part of one another. Generativity, for those who have nurtured a heart of compassion and service, is woven throughout most of the stages.

I observe the tension of generativity and integrity. It is clear when someone admits they can no longer “do/serve/contribute” like they used to. They face new physical limitations. I hear their struggle for integrity. They want to know that their human goodness remains. They care for others even if they cannot show it in the same ways as before.

People with solid cognitive function share care home meals with those with limited cognitive function. I see them wrestle with the tension of generativity and integrity. The tension is visible in their acknowledgment that the latter need their compassion and support. Yet, one wonders when one can just “be”. Is there a point when one can freely say, “I can be a person of integrity without serving the other?”

I wonder too about generativity being present through the acceptance of the service of others. I support Roman Catholic sisters as they age. I do a lot of things for them that they once easily did for themselves. They create space in their lives for me to support them. In doing so, they allow a place of generativity for me and my gifts. For some of them it does not seem fair that I serve and they appear to receive. Or that in their minds I work so hard while they feel they do so little. I do not know what is fair. I have no idea how well I will “receive” when it is my turn to do so. I just feel strongly that their generativity now involves learning to receive graciously. It also includes discerning well the support they seek.

Through all of this, we try to support aging 90 year olds. We also strive to be a place of comfort and hope for 50 year olds dealing with cancer. Rationally none of it makes sense. Why can’t we just distribute the years evenly? This way, everyone can live longer lives. Yet we know that physical age is not really relevant. What truly matters is how one lives and moves with love and compassion, regardless of the length of life. And somehow life does not even need to make sense. It needs to be lived with love and hope. Along the way, one must acknowledge the pain and unfairness felt at the illnesses that claim whomever they want.

As we begin this Advent season, we are part of the church spiral of life. It calls us to seek light and justice in the season of darkness. May we hold close those amongst us who are feeling “beat up” or forgotten by God. May we hold close those who need our prayers and concrete support the most right now.

“All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness…” Psalm 25
December 1, 2024

#lifeishard #deathtonewlife, advent, aging, generativity, integrity, longevity