Now and Then

Will the real you please step forward?

My word for this week is “really”. Sometimes said as a statement, sometimes said as a question mark.

The space of her room as she lives out her final years is really small.

The scope of people that interact with her now is really limited.

How do we “really” present ourselves as we age. Does how we live our earlier life really surface again as we live out our final years? Does the kindness and compassion we strived to live remain with us really late in life? Or do the mean choices and negative ways we interacted with people remain with us in later life? Does who we are and the choices we made in early life present to others “really” even through dementia?

Such an innocent phrase, “really” or “real”. Consider how often we say it – is that for real? Are you for real? Keep it real!

I decided to go a typical way, a common route with the word real and looked it up in a dictionary: “actually existing as a thing or occurring in fact; not imagined or supposed.”

The word “supposed” caught my attention. I think there is a definite lived connection between real and supposed. I think of the ways we are supposed to act in certain situations as people or societal values tell us that is the way to be real in that context. I think of the long term care home I most interact with right now. There are supposed ways to be real in that context. One is supposed to be grateful that the care staff is changing you, is dressing you even when you do not have control over the when and the what. One is supposed to eat the food placed before you, no matter how it looks or tastes. The real world of long term care is one of dependence, limited if any choice, and expectations of compliance even when nothing no longer makes sense, when one’s realness is defined more by the expectations of others and one’s identity may be scrambled in a confused mind. I really don’t know how to navigate the support of someone in this situation with grace and dignity, beyond being compassionate. I would struggle with the food, I would struggle with being trapped in a bed or chair with no ability to get anywhere on my own, I would struggle with every bit of my privacy being invaded.

Being “real” in this situation may not be so pretty. Being “real” in this situation may not reflect to others who I tried to be in the other chapters of my life. I guess the “real” question is how will we show up for one another in “real” ways if life places us in this situation? I hope I can be real for those I minister and journey with, and I hope that others will show up in real ways if I arrive in a long term care home too.